Wow – it has been a while since I have actually written. There have been quite a few changes and growth and accomplishments and much much more! I don’t even know where to begin. So – I’ll just say that life is amazing. It always has been! I am content. I have joy. I have love. I have so much to be grateful for! Life is not always perfect. Life has been hard. But life has been rewarding. I can say that I live my life sincerely and authentically. I am who I am on Sunday and I am that same person on Wednesday. I am open. I am honest. I am grounded. I sit here at 47 and I am ultimately happy with WHO I am and THAT has made all the difference! More to come….but for now. I can say that no matter where I am in life, I am content. THAT is something I know I have not always been able to say. But now, I know I can.
So I haven’t been here in a while. I keep thinking of putting things down and then life gets in the way. Not that I am too busy. I think that being busy is a state of mind but more on that later. More or less, I have just had other interests, work, and pieces of life that has just gotten in the way. But I do want to change that. Here are a few things that have been on my mind a lot lately.
I have had some struggles lately. Struggles that I don’t know if I have ever really come across at this level before. This gives way to doubt and feelings of loneliness and sadness.
The family has been through so many ups and a few downs. But I am so proud of my kids and the kind of people they are becoming! They have a strength and integrity that amazes me.
I miss my mom. Every day I regret not spending the time I should have spent wit her. I regret not talking to her as much as I should ave. I regret not telling her how much I admired her and looked up to her as much as I should have.
I have coem to found some of the best most sincere people recently. I value those who are down to earth and sincere in who they are. I have found that it is not always in places that it should be and that when you find it, you embrace and cultivate those relationships. They are true and lasting.
Well, that is all I have for tonight. It is close to 9:30 and I need to hit the sack.
I am so grateful for:
1. My husband. He teaches me, he listens to me, he is patient with me – more than he has ever before.
2. Kindness in the most unexpected of places. Just when I least expect it I find that I do have good friends that answer prayers.
3. My little puppy Mr. Darcy. He is such delight and so cute. He snuggles in the best way.
4. My kids and that they are willing to listen to me. I know they don’t always agree but they do listen. They trust me and they talk to me.
5. my soft bed. I never like getting out of bed. lol
I though it would be fun to do a little catch up with each of us and our lives at this time.
Campbell/CW – Well, the boy is 13 and I am officially out of the child/preteen age and have all teens/adult children. CW is in 8th grade and it has been a great start to his year! School has been a totally different experience for him and I see a level of confidence I did not see before. I see him more comfortable with who he is and not really caring that he isn’t a “jock” or a “popular”. He has some great friends and he has his eye on life overall, knowing that the next 6 years are so short and are only a stepping stone for the rest of his life. I am proud of the man he is becoming. He has integrity and he is caring and he wants to do what is right. I just need to keep that momentum going! 😀
Josephine/JoJo – The bean is 15 1/2!!! I can’t believe it! I want her to STOP growing up!!! LOL What an amazing young woman she is. She has had to combat some mean-girl situations and I am proud of how she just keeps moving forward. She has a compassionate soul and doesn’t like people to feel left out. She went to YASE this past summer and had an absolutely blast! She got to see, first hand, what real friendship and support can be like among kids who have the same interests and even values. She was floored at how nice everyone was she said, “even the older girls were friendly and supportive and didn’t exclude me and a few of my friends my age!” I told her to hold on to that experience because that is how life can be (and really should be) like. She is learning to drive and doing a pretty good job of it! She has upped her dance and is really instant on her career goals. I think she grew up! LOL She is a friendly soul and I have not met one person who says that she is not a nice person or isn’t kind to those around her.
Mallea – She is going to be 21 in a month! HOW did this happen??? I can’t think about it! She is doing so well! She has met some really fun kids from the singles branch she has attended and it has really given her some good friendship and a feeling of inclusiveness she never felt as a teen. She is still trying to wrap up high school and I am proud of her trying to do this on her own. It just takes a while. haha. When she is done she wants to serve a mission so she is getting things lined up so that can happen when the time arrives. I love that happy girl! She just lights up my day and makes me laugh a lot.
Payne – I can’t believe I have a 22 year old!!! It doesn’t seem like it AT ALL! I FEEL like I do – AT ALL! It is HARD to imagine that I was married at 20 and that now my oldest child is 2 years OLDER than that! Payne is doing GREAT! He has really mellowed a lot in the last year! Thank goodness we are past the puberty stage! That is so not a fun time with kids who are developmentally disabled. He truly is our “gentle giant”. He is big and I worry about his health and the fact that he can’t communicate so much to us, not to mention his obscenely high tolerance of pain. He is a source of love and humility for me. I am honored every day to be his mother. That he and Heavenly Father would trust such a soul unto me. He has this top hat that he LOVES to wear and he wears it every day. He has the best sense of humor and uses it when he thinks we are not paying attention. He grounds us. He keeps us anchored to those things which matter most. For that I am eternally grateful for his presence in my life. I hope one day to be able to express to him just how honored I feel to be his mother.
Graigg and I are great! Yes, we were apart for a while. It was a hard road. It was, I think a necessary road. Maybe more for him than for me in some ways. But, we are together now and things are better, softer, kinder, sweeter. I always felt that we worked well together. Even when we weren’t together – we worked together. LOL I can’t really explain it but things are different. A good different. I know that some may view me as weak. I know that many from the outside probably wouldn’t understand or even make sense of us. All I know is that as long as our relationship is in lines with what I know to be right for us and for what God intends for us we will be strong and survive. He is still learning and proving himself I think to himself as well as to me. But we are in a great spot and I am proud of what he has been able to overcome and I appreciate his love and devotion. I am freer and more myself than I have been for years. that makes all the difference. So, we are good. We are happy. We are excitedly planning our future together. We pray. We love. We laugh. That’s all I really want.
So there are the 5 things I am grateful for right now. lol And a little catch-up on life here.
Well, I have certainly had quite the life lately. My blog had been desperately neglected for a while, I’ll admit. It is hard to write and express my feelings with what I have gone through in the past couple of years. So a quick recap –
~ my mom passed away (kind of suddenly) almost 2 years ago
~ G had some struggles which resulted in him moving out, us separating, divorcing.
~ I learned a lot about those around me and I found friends and support from people I never expected would come my way. It taught me so much about friendship, limits, how people react when things get difficult or uncomfortable.
~ G hit bottom, made some very necessary changes which resulted in us dating and eventually remarrying.
~ Dad got married, er…. Remarried. To an amazing woman whom I love.
And now JoJo is starting High School and CW is starting Junior High and I just want to CRY!!!!
Through it all, I feel like I have, kind of, been able to keep my head above water…for the most part. Haha. As rough as the last year has been for me and the kids I have seen tremendous maturity, growth, and development. I have seen God’s Hand every. single day. I have seen and felt the comfort from my mother from the other side. My faith has been strengthened and my relationship with God has deeper roots.
I have learned so much from life. And through it all I can say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am incredibly blessed. I have an incredible family both my siblings and my children have taught me much and have helped me immeasurably. There are those who have come into my life and been angels and answers to my prayers. I count them as friends and I am grateful for their love and support in some of the darkest of times. I have not lost my humor and I still love to be silly and laugh with my kids as much as possible. I still love Disney and I love the magical qualities that I still see from it.
Some of these things I blogged about before. But I guess I have been given a fresh start. After printing the last export I did not save it on my hard drive. There is a little piece of me that is sad that I don’t have that digital record but at least I have it.
So in true Heather-fashion here I am to end this little entry with 5 things I am grateful for:
1 – Sunshine – makes me happy, makes me warm.
2 – flowers – the beauty always make me smile.
3 – my kids playing together- they are pretty funny when they don’t know I am watching.
4 – modern medicine
5 – the ease of my bank debit card. lol
It looks like I had a server glitch go horribly wrong. We had a few work issues a little while back but I didn’t even think to look here and see if it effected my personal site. I guess it did. All my entries – poof. Good thing I had them backed up.
Well, I guess I will just have to figure it out and move forward.